People think I had a choice about being childless and look at me with eyes of envy but it was when I was diagnosed with autism that finally my life made sense. I was never good at making friends, I could cope to a certain degree of social interaction but never feel properly comfortable in bars and clubs, I find reading people very hard, conversations can be a real mind field as I blunder through how to make myself sound interesting, I sometimes find I say the wrong thing as I have totally misread the situation and I can be very blunt.
So let’s fill you in with my background history. I come from a big family, 2nd youngest. At primary school and secondary school I was the quiet one who had a few friends. I was quite happy at primary but hated it at secondary. My first secondary school was an all girls school where both of my older sisters had been. As a joke, my music teacher teased me about being a Scottish spy. He even pointed out this supposed joke by making me stand up in the first year assembly and highlighted this. Unbeknown to him I was being mentally bullied about this. Eventually my mum had to step in. Back in the 70’s, bullying was not taken as seriously and the phrase, ‘sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me,’ was frequently bantered about as though it would magically make bullying disappear. But it took the intervention of my mum for it to cease as I was going home crying my eyes out and then pretending to be ill so I didn’t have to encounter this daily onslaught. When the music teacher was confronted about this, he retorted to my mum that it was only meant to be a joke. Thankfully nowadays teachers are not allowed to say these remarks. I started to enjoy the school and was beginning to fit in but then a minefield hit my life, I had to move.
I had to relocate from a bussling town where we had 6 buses an hour to take us to various places to a small cottage nestled in the countryside where there was one bus a week. I also had to endure a mixed school where the bullying took another level. I found it extremely hard to make friends and boys were a whole different ball game and I never had a boyfriend until I was 18. Being social alone made me very vulnerable and this is where I was caught up in the trap of a evangelistic church who ensnared me for 8 years of my life. I had rules which were easy to follow, friends who wanted to be with me and socialise with me, I didn’t have to worry about going to pubs and clubs as they were frowned upon by the church and were claased as ‘the devil’s playground’.
They were also very controlling about dating and marriage. You were not allowed to have sex before marriage and the church saw that the woman’s role was to get married and have children. The church
was very constricting and narrow minded, the church’s way was the only way if I wanted to get to heaven and they saw everything in black and white. There was no tolerance and if you were gay there was no way you could be one of God’s children. I began to question the values when they were discussing abortion and I wanted to see for myself what the clubs were about. The church began to frown upon me and disapproved my doubts. Thankfully I made the decision to leave and escaped the shackles that were binding me.
I started working towards a teaching degree but even at university I found it hard to socialise with a lot of the students as they were at least 6 years younger than me and their values were totally different to mine. If I had been diagnosed with autism then, I could have got the support to help me as I can easily misread information and go off on a complete tangent. I only needed someone to guide me but when I tried to ask for help, I was made to feel as though I was cheating.
It was in my first year of university that I met my future husband, when we first started dating, he didn’t want the pressure of a long term relationship and I reassured him that I wasn’t interested in having children. My husband was divorced and had left it 2 years before socialising. He also had 2 children from his previous marriage so I made sure that he prioritised his children before me. My husband understood where I came from when I explained about my encounter with the evangelical church. His upbringing was from a jehovah witness background. He never put any pressure on me and we enjoyed each other’s company. We never had penetrative sex and were both happy with that. I also think it is my autism that holds me back as I can only cope with a certain degree. Up until about 7 years ago I was content with the decision to be childless but the ticking bomb of my body clock kicked in and the emptiness of not being able to have children took a hold of life spiralling me into moods of depression. I went for counselling and learnt to be kinder to myself and it was a relief to speak to someone about what I was going through.
About 3 years ago I was watching a programme on channel 4 called, ‘are you autistic?’. I thought I would broaden my knowledge of autism, I didn’t expect to be ticking each point as I watched the TV. I made an appointment after consulting a friend who works with autistic children and last year after a consultant with some specialists, I was confirmed to be autistic. It has helped me to understand a lot of my life, why I didn’t feel comfortable in certain situations, how I behave, how my mind goes into a loop and sometimes I start stuttering if I get flustered and to accept that basically my brain is wired differently so I process information differently. I like repetition, I enjoy working with children, I like meeting new people and socialising in a quiet pub.
I also recently heard about a group of people who were childless for various reasons and met up once a month. This group called, ‘Gateway for Women’ understand the void and the pain of being childless, they understand the insensitivity and the remarks that people make when you mention being childless. They get it.
Autistic Solo Traveller 